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What if SUV Names Were Really True?

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Ah, the SUV with the nature-y name. The "Tahoe" or the "Forrester" or the "Acadia." Designed, in theory, to ford some pristine river.

The reality is not as glamorous. These $45,000 boats are sitting in a parking lots in front of big box stores in suburban Cleveland. Or stuck on the highway in Maryland carrying a single passenger, spewing toxins into the air.

It's discouraging to see the auto market again headed so strongly toward SUVs — which sends pedestrian deaths soaring.

But the suggestion that an SUV is somehow "outdoorsy" is a big part of the appeal. So just for kicks, we asked our readers to come up with more — ahem — appropriate names for some of the best-selling full-size SUVs of 2019. Here's what Streetsbloggers came up with:

Land Rover Range Rover

land rover

Land Rovers. For when you want a safari vehicle, but mainly just for commuting 35 miles on the interstate by yourself. This is one of the SUVs that, for whatever reason, seems to communicate a certain something about the driver. This version for 2020 starts at $42,000.

Best name: Mall Rover

Runner-up: Chelsea Tractor

Infinity QX80

infinity SUV
It's cheaper to insure a monster like this than a Corolla.

Look at this colossus. It's so square. So macho! It gets just 14 miles per gallon in the city.

Best name: Infinity Gas

Runner-up: Hit-and-Runner

sequoia

Toyota Sequoia

It's sad that a company coopted the name of a beautiful tree to sell this gas guzzler, which gets just 13 miles to the gallon in the city.

Best name: Toyota Rollover

Runner-up: Toyota Screentime

Nissan Armada

Nissan USA
Nissan USA
Nissan USA

This boat gets just 14 miles to the gallon in the city and 19 on the highway. Good grief.

Best name: Nissan Asthmada

Runner-up: Nissan Compensator

Toyota's FJ Cruiser

71oQ4tjZ1YL._UY560_

It's like the lego version of a Hummer. This one has actually been -- thankfully -- discontinued. Sorry about that, cars aren't really our thing around here.  Still ...

Winner: FU Guzzler

Runner Up: Pedestrian Bruiser

Thanks to everyone who submitted names! You can check out the whole thread here.

Humor can make a difference. If more people realized that their vehicle choices were the butt of everyone else's jokes — and car manufacturers put on the defensive — perhaps we wouldn't be in the situation we are in right now. After all, one of you who suggested calling a mega-SUV the Chevy Glacier Melter — which is funny ... because it's true!

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