What if SUV Names Were Really True?
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Ah, the SUV with the nature-y name. The “Tahoe” or the “Forrester” or the “Acadia.” Designed, in theory, to ford some pristine river.
The reality is not as glamorous. These $45,000 boats are sitting in a parking lots in front of big box stores in suburban Cleveland. Or stuck on the highway in Maryland carrying a single passenger, spewing toxins into the air.
It’s discouraging to see the auto market again headed so strongly toward SUVs — which sends pedestrian deaths soaring.
But the suggestion that an SUV is somehow “outdoorsy” is a big part of the appeal. So just for kicks, we asked our readers to come up with more — ahem — appropriate names for some of the best-selling full-size SUVs of 2019. Here’s what Streetsbloggers came up with:
Land Rover Range Rover
Land Rovers. For when you want a safari vehicle, but mainly just for commuting 35 miles on the interstate by yourself. This is one of the SUVs that, for whatever reason, seems to communicate a certain something about the driver. This version for 2020 starts at $42,000.
Best name: Mall Rover
Runner-up: Chelsea Tractor
Look at this colossus. It’s so square. So macho! It gets just 14 miles per gallon in the city.
Best name: Infinity Gas
It’s sad that a company coopted the name of a beautiful tree to sell this gas guzzler, which gets just 13 miles to the gallon in the city.
Best name: Toyota Rollover
Runner-up: Toyota Screentime
This boat gets just 14 miles to the gallon in the city and 19 on the highway. Good grief.
Best name: Nissan Asthmada
Runner-up: Nissan Compensator
Toyota’s FJ Cruiser
It’s like the lego version of a Hummer. This one has actually been — thankfully — discontinued. Sorry about that, cars aren’t really our thing around here. Still …
Winner: FU Guzzler
Runner Up: Pedestrian Bruiser
Thanks to everyone who submitted names! You can check out the whole thread here.
Humor can make a difference. If more people realized that their vehicle choices were the butt of everyone else’s jokes — and car manufacturers put on the defensive — perhaps we wouldn’t be in the situation we are in right now. After all, one of you who suggested calling a mega-SUV the Chevy Glacier Melter — which is funny … because it’s true!